Tag: Relationships

Create An Intentional Ripple: The Smallest Good Deeds Matter

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As Valentine’s Day approaches we often ramp up our intentional thoughts to gift someone we love something special. I want to point out one of my all-time favourite quotes,

The Smallest Good Deed Is Better Than The Grandest Good Intention

J Burroughs

I’ve discovered that the most memorable moments are often born from the tiniest acts of kindness and I try my hardest to do them as often as I can not just on Valentine’s Day. A simple smile or “thank you” can brighten someone’s day, and a small favor can create a ripple effect of positivity.

One instance of a small gesture that stands out for me is when a student told me I had saved her life. I did not know the student, but she said I smiled at her every day in the hallway, and if not for that she was thinking about ending her life. The gesture was small, but the impact was immeasurable and I have never forgotten the moment she shared her story with me. It made me look at myself and what I do. As a result, I try as often as I can to do one small thing that I hope makes a difference for another human being.

Waiting for the perfect moment to do some grand gesture might never arrive. So start now … start today. Tell someone the difference they make in your life. You can send them a digital reminder.

Here are a few things to keep in mind about relationships that might help you based on John Gottman’s approach:

  1. The Magic Ratio:
    • Dr. Gottman talks about the importance of a 5:1 positive-to-negative interaction ratio. Are you practicing this interaction in all your relationships?
  2. Emotional Bank Account:
    • Think of your connections like a bank account, says Dr. Gottman. Regular deposits of emotional support build strong foundations. When and how often are you making deposits?
  3. The Four Horsemen:
    • Watch out for criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, warns Dr. Gottman. How are you paying attention to these in your relationships?
  1. Turning Towards Bids:
    • Bids for connection are like little invitations to intimacy. Respond positively to these bids. How often are you making these bids?
  2. The Love Map:
    • Dr. Gottman encourages building a detailed “love map” of your partner. Knowing your partner’s world intimately fosters a deep connection. Have you made a love map?
  3. Repair Attempts:
    • In every relationship, hiccups happen. Repair attempts are the remedy. Take time to apologize, make amends, and keep the connection intact. Who do you need to make repairs with today?
  4. Nurturing Fondness and Admiration:
    • Admire your partner’s or friends’ qualities; express fondness, Dr. Gottman advises. It’s like watering a plant; love in all relationships blossoms with care and attention. Who can you express fondness with today?
  5. Dreams Within Conflict:
    • Even conflicts have dreams and aspirations buried within, says Dr. Gottman. Unearth those dreams together for a richer understanding.
  6. Shared Meaning:
    • Relationships thrive on shared rituals and meanings. Create rituals in your life that matter to you and those you love.
  7. Small Moments, Big Impact:
    • I agree with Dr. Gottman, that small moments matter the most. Cherish the everyday connections; they make a difference for you and those you care about. Check out The Small Things Often Podcast.

So go ahead not just in your love relationships, but in your day-to-day connections with people take the time to find ways to do a small good deed. You will be glad you did.

  • Leave an extra tip.
  • Tell the manager their employee is doing a great job.
  • Buy a lotto ticket for someone for no reason.
  • Send a message, postcard, or letter telling someone how much you appreciate them.
  • Offer to help an elderly person do something.
  • Spend more time with those you love.

Live More … Laugh More …Love More … Be More intentional in your small deeds starting today.

Mastering The Connection: It’s All About Relationships

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Truly fulfilling relationships are not about wanting to change someone or about finding someone who is perfect and without flaws, we all have them. It’s about having the courage to be yourself allowing yourself to be seen and having your partner or your friend accept you for who you truly are. If we want to build deep connections with another person we need to be vulnerable and let them see the real us. Discovering our true selves can be a lifelong journey that requires continuous effort and introspection.

In all relationships, we will make mistakes and can even end up possibly hurting the other person. Our partner or friend is not supposed to meet all of our needs, that’s up to us to do so. Having the courage to recognize the times when we need support from someone else whether that be a friend or professional is important. It takes courage to reach out especially for those in an abusive relationship, but doing so could help to make better connections and healthier decisions.

Conflict is normal in any relationship, but if we communicate honestly and find ways to work through the challenges, building trust in one another, a healthy relationship can be the end result. One way we can do this is by letting our partner or friend know when we need a break and by not giving them the silent treatment or in other words as Gottman calls it stonewalling, which can be emotionally abusive. If you are looking to improve any relationship Gottman has great tips.

Emotional connections are important, however, if we are always looking at the needs of someone else and not paying attention to our own, or if we fall into unhealthy relationship patterns we need to look deeper into the why and make some changes.

In healthy relationships each partner is looking out for the other, recognizing that they need to make compromises and that life can sometimes get messy. It isn’t about a long life together that is miserable, it’s about a life together that has way more ups than downs. A life where you can say I love and care deeply about that other human being be it a friend or lover.

There may come a time when you ask yourself do I need to end this relationship? While not easy, it may be necessary. I love this thread by Dr. Nicola Pera on when to end a relationship. It is thoughtful and wise.

Deciding to end a relationship can be a difficult and complex process. Here are some questions to consider:

  1. How do you feel when you’re around this person? Do you feel energized and happy or drained and unhappy?
  2. Do you trust this person? Do you believe what they say or do you feel like they’re hiding something from you?
  3. Is this a one-sided relationship?
  4. Is your partner/friend unable or unwilling to change and meet your needs?
  5. Does your partner/friend consistently break promises or fail to live up to their commitments?
  6. Are you staying in the relationship because you’re afraid of being alone or because you genuinely want to be with this person?
  7. Are my interactions with this person way more positive than negative?
  8. Are you compromising your values or sacrificing your happiness for the sake of the relationship?
  9. Are you constantly questioning whether this is a healthy relationship?
  10. Do you like who you are in this relationship?

Ultimately, the decision to end a relationship is a personal one. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Considering these questions could possibly help you gain clarity and insight into whether ending the relationship is the right choice for you.

Letting go is never easy, and at times we all have to make the choice that is right for us. There have also been times when I have been open to new friendships along this journey of life. Friends who make me a better human being. Friends who make my world a better place by being in it. You know who you are. I am so grateful I remained open.

Healthy relationships are about mutual respect, trust, setting boundaries, love, acceptance and support. When we create foundations of trust and love that weather all the storms, relationships can be amazing.

I am grateful for all the incredible long-lasting relationships that have graced my life making me a better person along the way. I look forward to continuing to nurture and cultivate these connections for years to come. Mastering the connection, and having relationships that last a lifetime is not always easy, but it is worth all the time and effort that make it possible.

You Are There For A Purpose

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Each day as a School Counsellor you have an opportunity to impact a child’s life in a way unlike others are able to do. Never ever lose sight of that. It might be a small action that touches a child’s heart and makes a difference for a lifetime. You have the time to truly listen and understand what it is a child needs and how to help them in a way that can change their perceptions of themselves and the world around them. It is a gift you have been given to give away , so treasure the moments that are right there in front of you each day as you enter your school. You are there for a purpose.